2011/02/24

Victory!

Besides being one of the first albums of the crap era of Running Wild, VICTORY! has more meanings in the world of Metal. Victory! happens when you're able to get rid of a troublesome Mate and enjoy a quiet concert, or continue drinking without hearing about how the Gamma Ray discography could have been Halloween's one.

Victory! is also achieved when your boss let you take the hair down at work (+33 if you are male), or when your neighbor tells you that he's not afraid anymore when you play Kronos at a high volume on a Sunday morning.

Victory! is also achieved when you are able to evolve from listening to Rhapsody to listen to Morbid Angel without passing the melodic death metal stage. But when the evolution goes the standard way: Stratovarius-Sonata Arctica-Edguy-Kotipelto-Children Of Bodom-Opeth-Morbid Angel, then is not a Victory! because you're going into an infinite loop and you're close to getting FAIL.

Victory! is not playing 100% of Guitar Hero songs, Victory! is not to fall asleep at Anathema's shows.



Visual dictionary: Mode #21 of How to celebrate a Victory!. (Out of stock).

Hair in the wind

Technique of seduction used by some metal bands (mainly frontmen or frontwomen) to look as irresistible as possible for the fans. Hair in the wind is compatible with pouty lips, eyes-softly-closed, turning head and hip moving (optional). It absolutely clashes with: Ponytail.

Example: Evergrey should be named Everhair.


Visual Dictionary: She never uses a fan to wind her hair.

2011/02/19

Headbanging

What Dead did.

Example: I have a headache. No more headbanging for the moment.



Visual dictionary: Dead dead, dead Dead.

2009/07/21

Metal Archives

WTF? The knowledge owned by a metalhead is given by the kings, by the sword, by the moon or by the forest, but never by the URL! A true metalhead never types this URL!

We call Metal Archives to the mp3 files stored in a hard disk. These files used to be owned by posers, because a true metalhead always buys original vinyls, tapes, and from middle 90's on, original cds, although it wasn't very true at first.

Anyway, Metal Archives are now part of each metalhead's life. They live in portable players, hard disks, data dvd or data cd-r (Verbatim optional, Princo run away from).

Metal Archives is related with Napster. Probably Metallica doesn't like mp3.

Example: Paco, give me a Verbatim and I'll burn to you some mp3 of true true metal.


Visual Dictionary: Crazy German Kid notices that his brother has deleted the 30 GB of Metal Archives from Dragonforce.

Electronic drum



Electronic drum: when a band has a gorilla as drummer (main image), incapable of playing well enough sometimes bands get forced to use a monkey drummer to play fast blastbeats or extremely complicated drums.

Visual dictionary 2: A monkey drummer recording the next Hate Eternal's studio album.



Visual dictionary 3: there are monkey producers too, like the one who recorded Metallica's St. Anger.

Hair Metal


Hair Metal : it is a kind of metal made with hair, from hair, from hairy to hairy people. The most important is the quantity of hair spray a your hair can get before you get bald. The hair metal gigs are like a Adam's Family reunion, but instead of killing and eating they have instruments and play a really soft metal.

Belts, horrible t-shirts and leather clothes are allowed, but the most important is a cool hair.

Example: Hair metallians hate people like Rob Halford.


Visual dictionary: a hair metallian.

2009/07/16

Kvlt


Kvlt: The extreme form of trve. To be considered kvlt, a band needs to follow some simple paths:

- Never be more than 3 bandmates. 3 is a good number. 2 is supreme. A one-man-band has all the chances to be kvlt.
- Record a demo-tape (remember, always tape). Don't use mixing tables, only 4 to 8 channel mixing tables are accepted as maximum and if there's no other way to record, but it must sound like a washer while centrifuging or a cement mixer at work.
- The artwork always has to be in black and white, scale of grey as most. Take a drawing from a kid for example. Or a picture of some scary place. In extreme cases is accepted the presence of the band members, but it's not recommended. In that case, do your gimmest pose, your worst facial expression, and try to look like if you were invoking something from the underworld.
- That demo might be the last record of your band. There are cases that is allowed to record a second demo, but you must know that everyone out there will say that you have lost your purity, or that you sound commercial.
- Never make more than a few copies of that demo. It's kvlt material only for kvlt people!!
- When done, better suicide. It will increase kvltness to the limit. If any of your bandmates could take a photo of your corpse, it can be used for the artwork of some new (pose) material. If this happens, come from the dead and kill them all.

Example: -Have you listened to the second demo of this kvlt band?
- No, I'm not interested on any commercial band.

Visual dictionary: Look!!! this will be amazing to put as the artwork of our first demo. Let's make him look grim!

Production/Producer

Production is synonym of work. There are metal bands with a very good production. Their albums can sound as shit, but it doesn't interferes with a fucking good production. The bands with good production have a lot of albums published, like Darkthrone. They're very productive.

By the other side, there are bands with poor production but very good album(s). Bands with poor production have only published an album, as Head Control System, or two, as Dan Swanö under his own name. Dan Swanö is a bad producer.

Note that true true metal true bands produce true albums as they come from the true heart of steel, not for making true money.

Example: As a producer, Dan Swanö is bad, but making produce to other bands, he is very good producer.


Visual Dictionary: Producer not producing.

Entry sponsored by Economic Gazette.

Demo


Demo: it is the essence of any true band. Demos are the first recordings of a band, made when the members are about 16 years old and it is the trully sound of the band. It must be said that demos must be recorded in the garage from one of the members of the band. A demo CANNOT be recorded on a studio, true metal is not about this. When one band has recorded about four or five demos Nuclear Blast eats the band and makes them play shitty poser metal with clearly sound that honestly can't fit with true metal.

Don't confuse with emo.

Example: Immortal sold themselves on their demos.


Visual dictionary: Vargs Vikernes grandmother recording the ambient voices for the next album.

Emo


Emo: emo means death, any person relatively related with emo must be killed, is the duty of any true metallian. Emos use to kill themselves but Odin gives a true more points if he kills an emo instead of leaving them die. Killing emos is a good way to go Valhalla.

To identify an emo one must search for two things: the fringe, very characteristic, and the black clothes. You mustn't confuse with a true, it is impossible, black clothes can't avoid you to differentiate an emo from a true metallian warrior of steel.

Example:

- Hey, Joe, I killed an emo today.
- Yeeha! This is better than Pokemon, you gotta kill'em'all!
- Isn't that a Megadeth album?*
- Yeah, it must be.

Visual dictionary: An emo willing to be erased.

*This conversation is between two wannabies, we ALL know Kill'em'all is the first Metallica's album and of course the best, not better than the demos, obviously, but better album.

Industrial Metal

Sometimes a band loses interest in metal and just cares about money, expensive mansions, expensive drug addictions, expensive drug addiction treatments, expensive leather anoraks and expensive plastic jackets. And, of course, expensive groupies that would not go with the band if they weren't loathsomely rich.
When this happnens, the band makes true metal no more, thus sells out and start to play Industrial Metal. The band becomes an industry where the only thing that matters is to sell crappy albums to as many posers as possible.
Industrial metal is made by posers for posers.

Example: Cradle of Filth became Industrial Metal after 'Cruelty and the Beast'.

Visual dictionary: Dani Filth eating very expensive monkey shit.

Post Metal

1. Post Metal is the happening that comes to life when the postman arrives at your home bringing your newly bought metal; or, in ancient times, you received some letter from a distant metal friend or mate.

2. Post Metal is the style of Metal that is played by a band whose members are all postmans.

3. Post Metal is a post about Metal in a Metal related forum or Metal related blog on the internet.

Note: Post Metal style cds always sound three times.

Examples:
1. Today was a Post Metal day: the postman put in my mailbox the new Darkthrone cd!
2. If Fenriz is a postman, then Darkthrone must play half Post Metal or Post Black Metal.
3. This very same blog post about Post Metal is actually Post Metal. Yeah!

Visual dictionary: Post Black Metal style album cover in its full glory.

Power (and the power it holds)


Power (not Power Metal - to be explained later) is the Force (always in its Dark Side), that allows the mics, guitars, amps and pedals turn on and run, without Power even a metal cd can't spin on the cd-player. Power rules the world and is supplied by the Metal Gods (these are the Powers that be) who made Heavy Metal, as power flows by the Steel and is blocked by the plastic elements on your home electric plugs. Plastic is necessary for people not to be overwhelmed by the Power (and the power it holds), otherwise they could die from Power Overdose (commonly named Lightning Bolt Attack, in terms of Epic Power Metal).

Songs about power and the power it holds are cool and hold a lot of power.

Note: Metal is conductive of Power, but not false metal.

Examples:
- Poooweeeeeeeer, the power, the power. (Eric Adams of Manowar fame)
- Kill with power! Die, die! (Eric Adams of Manowar fame)
- Fell the power of thy sword! (Eric Adams of Manowar fame)
- The Metal Gods made the Power of Metal that is Louder than Hell.

Visual dictionary: This boy suffered from a Metal-Powered Lightning Bolt Attack while listening to Rhapsody in his metal bus of Power, due to not using plastic elements on his metal cd player inside his metal bus, and the power it holds; and the power that holds the electric power metal of Rhapsody full of power and metal. Thus, his hair has became hyperpowermetalled, that is, too much powered for metal.

2009/07/15

Napster

It is said about the word which Metallica wasn't so brave to include in Master Of Puppets album. At the beginning this album was near to be called Napster of Puppets but at the last moment Lars Ulrich threw the Scattergories dice and it showed M.

Example: Hey man! They killed Napster! You bastards!

Visual Dictionary: May be Kenny some day...

Twilight


Twilight: This is the infinite owner. Everything in metal belongs to the twilight. It's the dawn of the gods, the rebirth of the kings. It might be better aprecciated on the north side of the planet. The southern twilight isn't really true. In fact, the true twilight is only seen in the northern seas by real vikings while riding a drakkar and singing hymns to honour Odin.

If you have the project of creating a true metal band, don't forget to include that twilight in any of your odes, better if it's in the same that contains "ashes to ashes, dust to dust". That's extremely kvlt.

Example: The king of the northern twilight is lost in the twilight hall, and the twilight guardians are waiting for the twilight of the gods

Visual dictionay: A glorious drakkar seeking twilight in the frozen northern sea (if you take out those poser colours, this could be a great cover for your first demo)